An etiquette guide to hosting the perfect police raid

HOW YOU as a journalist host can carry off a police visit to your abode under the auspices of anti-terror legislation.

Image © Pennie Quinton

What you can expect, by Mrs G.D.P.R Manners:

1Do expect a dawn raid – 05.40 seems to be the optimal time.

2Do consider joining the 5am club – this will give you a chance to get in some yoga and Pilates stretches before your guests ring your doorbell and to develop some healthy habits.

3Do expect the unexpected: one can never quite know when one’s guests will arrive, but a good journalist host is always prepared.

4Do ensure sufficient lighting to enable clear vision – think of the faux pas should one of one’s guests trip and twist their ankle on a yoga mat or carelessly-placed weights.

5Do expect at least 10 police officers: make sure the kettle is on, and you have enough mugs and tea bags to refresh your guests. Fortnum’s biscuits are not necessary for this occasion - think more of custard creams or chocolate bourbons.

6Do remember: a good journalist host never escalates the situation but considers it no inconvenience to invite one’s esteemed visitors to be seated at the dining table.

7Do ask all guests to sign one’s visitors book – Liberty or Shepherds have a fine selection of visitor books on offer for the discerning hostess.

8Do request full names and badge numbers.

9Do listen courteously to any requests.

10Don’t ever express displeasure at one’s guests’ behaviour.

11Do request to be shown the invitation that the judicial authorities have issued to your guests permitting them to sample the pleasures of your table.

12Do request to consult with one’s lawyer to be sure of the right ordering of the invitation.

13Do be ready for your guests to be upstanding.

14Don’t be surprised that at least two officers may wish to admire every room and object in your hice-hold.

15Don’t be tempted to snub your guests in this regard.

16Don’t apologise about the Lego on the nursery carpet: instead do have a word with your au pair for future occasions. Remember a good host is never embarrassed.

17Do expect that your guests’ preference will be to take with them a doggy bag of their host’s: phone, previous phone, laptop, desktop, and iPad.

18Do expect them to also show interest in hard drives and empty phone packaging.

19Do not raise an eyebrow. Remember one’s guests’ pleasure are your data devices and journalistic sources.

20Do be aware that one’s guests have attended the best police finishing schools and have been trained to expect that most hosts will have at least five data devices of interest: laptop, main computer, phone, iPad and previous phone.

21Do make sure to have all data securely backed up and stored elsewhere.

22Do encrypt all source data and follow the GDPR legislation.

23Do remember: it’s a poor host who keeps a disorganised contact book stretching back decades.

24Do take precautions after reading this guide.

© Mrs G.D.P.R Manners